Our Christmassy Sketch
by katyushha
Summary: Hello everyone! That's the fruit of our - mine and my gorgeous friend's IheartOakenshield193712 - cooperation, "our craziness" as she calls it, and it IS crazy!:) Christmas, dwarves, Thilbo, Dwori, Kili-Tauriel, Fili finds himself a girlfriend here too, Dwalin's cookies, and we were so cheeky as to add ourselves into the story (mostly thanks to my forever-green adoration for Fili;)


_We really hope you like it, sorry if you don't! If you have a minute, please let us know what you think! Thank you and Merry Christmas!_

_Katyushha and IheartOakenshield193712 ;)_

* * *

Dwalin: Merry Christmas, Thorin, where are my cookies? Dinner ready?

Thorin: Oh... B-Bilbo is in charge of that and I ... misplaced the cookies.

Dwalin: Be honest with me, did you EAT MY cookies? 'Cause my Uzbad or not - I'm going to show you some of Dwalin's wrath.

Thorin: *raises hands innocently* Now listen, friend, I'm sure they're here somewhere. I didn't eat them... but you know hobbits and their hunger…

Bilbo: Don't you bring me into this!

Dwalin: The hobbit would never eat my cookies, you liar! *whining and crashing onto the floor pitifully* He knows how I love them... Bilbo! You know what Thorin did... ?

Balin: Who ate my brother's cookies? He's going to be avenged!

Bilbo: Thorin, just tell him what happened. I'm getting dwarf spit on the food…

Dwalin: Thorin if you don't give my cookies to me I'll stop helping you with your "Thranduil-problem" from now on... And I'm serious!

Thorin: *rubs neck nervously* About Thranduil... Uh... Fili and Kili... uh... got into their home and-

Bilbo: I can see that you're lying…

Dwalin: Yes! Tell him and don't bring Fili and Kili into this, you broke Thranduil's fountain having a bath there!

Thorin: *whispering* He'll box me! It was a bloody dare! Don't be jealous that you didn't get to bathe in it!

Bilbo: You were having a bath where? In Mirkwood?!

Bilbo: Naked?

Bilbo: In Thranduil's realm?!* nervous tic starting*

Thorin: A small bath... Naked... Thinking of you ghivashel!

Bilbo: Don't you think your pretty dwarvish words will help you, my precious!

Balin to Dwalin: Maybe we should take the food and quickly get out of here while we still can?

Dwalin: You take it. I want my cookies.

Thorin: Bilbo. Dwalin. I can explain…

Bilbo: Run... run, Thorin.

Dwalin: Yeah, run... run to the shop and bring me some cookies.

Thorin: *looks between the hobbit and Dwalin* I gotta go! *dashes out the front door*

…

Bilbo after a short pause: Hahaaaaa, did you see his face?! Terrific! Best Christmas ever! Dwalin come on in - here are your cookies.

*Thorin is still running and not looking back once*

_IheartOakenshield193712__: You so did not just make Thorin run away! Bilbo had the cookies?! _

_Katyushha: Yeah I just soooo did. He'll come back when he's not that frightened, won't he?_

Fili and Kili: Fili and Kili, at your service! Where's uncle Thorin?

Bilbo: I haven't the faintest idea.

Kili: I actually brought him a gift from Mirkwood…

Fili: Yeah, Thranduil's naughty calendar...

Kili: Well, Fili, what could I do? Tauriel asked me, I couldn't possibly say no to her!

Dwalin: I'm going to leave before my cookies get elf on them…

Bilbo: That's good then that Thorin's out. Come on boys burn it here and now.

Fili: Oh but Uncle Bilbo... You haven't seen the best part. Uncle is in it!

Bilbo: ... WHAT? Don't tell me it was all true and he did have a bath there?!

Fili and Kili: Oh yes! Thrandy told us he caught Uncle in the bath and asked one of his servants to quickly paint him! *both jumping up and down*

Bilbo: You call him Thrandy?! Kili, what exactly are your relationships with the Elf family? Fili, did you find yourself an elf maid too?

Kili: I call him Thrandy because he asked me to. And Taury is just sooo pretty-

Fili: *whacks Kili's head* I call him Thrandy behind his back because I wasn't asked. Apparently, he likes brunettes. There can be only one blond.

Fili: And no, Uncle Bilbo. I prefer humans.

Katyushha: *with a silly hopeful grin* oh Fili really?!

_IheartOakenshield193712__: Coincidence._

Fili: Yes. You single?

Katyushha: Yeah, I actually am, are you into blondes or brunettes? *winking flirtatiously*

Fili: I don't know. Brunettes possibly…

Kili: But I was talking about Tauriel here... so... she's sooooooo...

Fili: So elfy…

Katyushha: Kili! Don't ruin my possible date! So Fili… I'm a brunette…

Fili: *winks* Lovely-

Thorin: *pants as he stands in the doorway* Am I going to get punished for eating the cookies? *stares nervously at Bilbo*

Bilbo: *looking through the calendar* It's almost all about you... Thorin? Naked... oh Mahal...

Kili: Tauriel, Tauriel, Tuarieeeellll...

Katyushha: Shhh… Meet me outside Fili and take your brother with you.

Thorin: What?! Naked? When?!

Fili: Okay cuz I ain't staying here to see naked paintings of Uncle. Come on Kee!

Kili: But Taury!

_Katyushha: Thorin's adorable ;)_

_IheartOakenshield193712__: Yeah I know!_

Fili to Kili: Taury is waiting outside let's go!

Bilbo: Thorin, you'd better start explaining…

Kili: *scrambles to the door*

Thorin: *looks at calendar and cringes* I was... bathing...?

Kili from outside: Fili you said Taury would be here!

Bilbo: Don't you have a bathroom in Erebor?!

Fili from outside: Sorry mate in this story I have a girlfriend and you don't.

Kili: *puppy dog face*

Thorin: I wasn't in Erebor! ... At the time... It's a two day trip... And... *gulps*

Bilbo: DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME YOU COULDN'T WAIT TWO DAYS! You were alright without a bath for months!

Katyushha from outside: Come Kili I can give you a hug.

Thorin: *in dream state* it looked so inviting... And if I woulda known he had spies, I would have waited!

Kili (still outside): *hugs* Ooh, I like her…

Bilbo: I would even understand if it was Elrond's fountain... but Thranduil's?! Thorin you know how jealous I can get and we both know he FANCIES you!

Fili (outside): *frowning*

Thorin: He did say I had a very fine bum...

Kili (outside): *smiles innocently*

Bilbo: Then... Thorin... You can take your things and go to Mirkwood for all I care * leaving the room going to the pantry for comfort eating*

Fili (outside): Kili.

Dwalin: *finishing his cookies*

Thorin: *opens mouth and closes it*

Kili (outside): What? You wanted me out here? You promised me Taury! What is a lad to do?

Dwalin: So how much did I miss?

Thorin: Bilbo!

Bilbo: Go away you ridiculous tree-loving dwarf!

Balin: Not much, brother, eat!

Fili (outside): Kiliiii...

Katyushha: Let's set the record straight boys, I... like...

Thorin: *reaches out and tries to take the pound cake from Bilbo's hands* You know that's not true. I love you and only you.

Kili (outside): *puppy eyes*

Fili (well… still outside as well, as he's standing next to Kili): * famous grin*

Katyushha: Anyone going to bet money on it?

Bilbo: Give. Me. My. CAKE!

Dwalin: Give ME this cake!

Thorin: Bilbo, love. Listen to me-

Balin: *tosses cake at Dwalin* Does anyone want to listen to the story of the battle of Azanulbizar?

Bilbo: You know what Thorin?! I'll find myself another dwarf !

Ori: *appears out of nowhere* Ooh Mister Dwalin. What an animal!

Thorin: *looks heartbroken*

Fili and Kili: *sparring in the snow*

Bilbo: What's that look about? Don't wanna go to your tree-hugger?!

Dwalin: Ooooori, wonderful! Would you like to... um... read with me?

Thorin: Bilbo, you're my One. I don't love *him*. I love you and eating isn't going to make things better-

Ori: Sure, Mister Dwalin *blushes*

Balin: I can read for you both about the battle of Azanulbizar!

Dwalin: No.

Fili: *with a bleeding nose*

Kili: *with a black eye*

Bilbo: Be honest then, Thorin, did you... did you sleep with the elf king?

Thorin: No, I would never. You know I like to be the dominant one.

Fili: There I think that settled it. M'lady?

Katyushha: Boys that was hot! Yeah, Fili I'm all yours, come here let's kiss!

Kili: Eww!

Fili and Katyushha: What?

Kili: Nothing!

Bilbo: Well, that's a relief... Did you kiss him? Did he? Was there anything apart from this ridiculous calendar?

Thorin: He tried to come onto me but... I showed him my wedding runes on my skin and my ring. I also told him that if he did that I would stop trading and give them Kili.

Bilbo: You would give them KILI?!

Kili: Can't I just take Taury to Erebor?!

Thorin: Have you heard the boy? Practically begging to be with that elf…

Bilbo: You can't give him to that nasty elf! Let's take the girl instead. Kili is a prince, you can't just give him away!

Thorin: Maybe... I'd have to think and set a deal…

Thorin to Kili: Date with her for a couple of decades at first and we'll see.

Kili: Okay!

Bilbo: Anyway Thorin. One more calendar and you're out of Bag End forever!

Thorin: Yes ghivashel. But if I make a personal calendar just for you, would I still be kicked out?

Fili: Uncle I want to marry too!

Thorin to Fili: No more ELVES!

Bilbo: Well if it's MY bathroom then it's okay... I think…Well, alright, you're... forgiven Thorin.

Thorin: *grins like an idiot and lifts Bilbo off the ground and kisses him*

Fili: But she's not an elf!

Thorin: Fili! No orcs either!

Fili: She's human!

Thorin: Mahal! Why are you so into tall women, Fili?!

Fili: Why aren't you?

Thorin: I like small hairy hobbits, son!

Thorin: But okay Fili you can do it!

Bilbo: Aww, I love you.

Kili: Then why do I have to wait for two decades?!

Thorin: Because she's an elf!

Kili: Yeah right...

Katyushha: Ohhhh was that a proposal Fili?

Ori: Mister Dwalin, do you want to read a romantic story about us from funfiction?

Dwalin: I'd rather start my own romantic fan fiction with you... right now... in one of the spare bedrooms.

Bilbo: Don't you dare!

Thorin: Those rooms are reserved for us!

Kili: Stop all this kissing and romance and hugging and fan...fanfict-ing here everyone! I'm so aloooone...

Balin: Kili I can tell you a story...

Everyone else: NO!

Kili: Not the battle! *holding his ears*

Tauriel (from the doorstep): Anyone see one handsome dwarf with a dazzling smile?

Thorin: Elves...

Kili: *faints*

Thorin: My hobbit!

Fili: My woman!

_Katyushha: I didn't understand that, could you please explain? Are they afraid of her or what? _

_IheartOakenshield193712: __I don't know. Thorin and Fili are protective._

_Katyushha: Aah, I see._

Tauriel: Okay calm down everyone, no need to panic! I'm just taking Kili and going!

Thorin: *hugs Bilbo and shoos Kili out* Have fun!

Fili: *closes the green door*

Katyushha: So… Everyone happy now? No more misunderstandings?

Bilbo: I don't think so but I can't breathe! *smothered by dwoob*

_Katyushha: Dwoob?_

_IheartOakenshield193712: __Dwarf boob._

_Katyushha: Ohh..._

Fili: Uncle, help!

Thorin: What? Did Dwalin and Ori go into the bedroom!?

Fili: Yes! And if you could only see what they did to the bathroom...

Bilbo and Thorin: WHAT?!

Thorin: I don't want to look…

Bilbo: It's bad enough I have to clean after us…

Katyushha: I'm alright with the kitchen table Fili come back!

Fili: Oh my ears!

Katyushha: Well we can wait till the wedding of course...

_IheartOakenshield193712: __What are you talking about?_

Thorin: Dwalin, get out of the bedroom and go start cleaning!

_Katyushha: No sex till the wedding! _

_IheartOakenshield193712: __Oh!_

Kili (from the outside): What? And for me too? TWO DECADES!

Taury: What they don't know won't hurt them…

Katyushha: Maybe I should change my mind and choose Kili then, huh, Fili?

Ori *coming out of the bedroom on trembling legs*: , you clean alone, I'm going to eat and sleep!

Fili: No! No! Kili likes ginger!

Balin: oh my Lord…

Thorin and Bilbo: *sneak out of the room and go to the bedroom*

Katyushha: Oh what a woman can do to try and make a man like her... But don't you worry my love, you're the one I want!

Fili: I got two dwarves here and two that just escaped and possibly Dori coming in and Kili outside and... Oh who am I kidding! With uncle and Bilbo in the room, let's take one of the spares...

Katyushha: *in the voice of John Watson*: oh God yes!

*doors close*


End file.
